Resolution Revolution
Below, I'll be touching on some local happenings that may be foreign to some of you. It involves the social group I find myself a part of here in Fairbanks and (attempted) divisions therein. For those that this applies to, please respond honestly and frankly. Essentially, this is a post I have spent nearly two years avoiding writing.
To begin with, some history:
Two years ago, Iris and I were sharing a four-bedroom apartment (referred to as the Ship of Fools) with five other people. At the best of times, things were tense. At their worst, flaming rows were had. The situation got really bad by the end, with friends divided over the primary people in conflict, Iris and I and Lissy, with nearly everyone in the apartment (as well as some friends outside of it) turned against us. When Lissy worked for a time at the same restaurant as I, she even tried to turn my co-workers against me. Fortunately, these co-workers knew me well and rightly shot any such talk down. Needless to say, the atmosphere in the Ship was poisonous. We moved out. Shortly afterward, Lissy and her husband moved to Wisconsin.
After some time passed, many of our friends and former room mates told us privately that they now saw the situation at the Ship in a different light, now that they were more removed from it. At the time, we (Iris and I) saw one person manipulating our friends, turning it into an us vs. them war. Later, those that had previously been recruited in to that came to us and said no, they don't think either of us are horrible people (even if they couldn't live with us), that Lissy's actions at the Ship were wrong, that they still wished to be our friends.
After a time, most of us moved on. The stuff at the Ship had been bad, but that was now in the past.
A few months back, we heard she was moving back. All around us, our friends are expressing excitement, planning welcome-back parties, etc. And we generally supported them in that, even if we weren't particularly excited. After all, Lissy has always been an extremely charismatic and confident person who can be a lot of fun to hang out with and talk to.
The problem (and the fear) comes when she uses that charisma to manipulate people. She quickly and easily turned all but one of our room mates against us. It took months to repair those relationships. And even those that recognize this manipulation simply shrug it off with a "That's just how she is."
Now let me make this clear: in know way am I advocating that others stop being friends with Lissy. As I said above, I can totally understand why a person might want to. I will never (and have never) require(d) that my friends stop associating with someone else in order to be friends with me.
Unfortunately, that is what Lissy is now asking of our shared friends. Below the cut is a recent LJ post made by her. You can also see the entry at her blog.
I hate brandon and iris! I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them! I hate everything that comes out of their mouths! I hate their stupid faces and their stupid LJ posts and their stupid stupid stupid stupid! GAAAAAHHHHHHH! And if YOU! Yes YOU! are friends with them, my opinion of YOU IS LESSENED! Don't try to sway me, I WON'T BE MOVED! I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them. I hate them so much I want to SPEND TIME hating them. I want to send them letters that read: I HATE YOU! I want to see them at a LAN when I come home and kick them BOTH in the face! And I would, if I wasn't so sure those asswipes wouldn't call the police for "assault". I want a nice, clean you-and-me-outside-right-now-knock-down-drag-out-bitch-brawl between ME and IRIS, maybe whoop some fucking humility into her. I want to show her that I'm better than her in EVERY way! I train my cats better, I feed them better, I make BEARABLE noises in bed, I'm prettier, I don't talk with a lisp, I could kick her ass in a fight, my man is better-looking and smarter, I can sew better, take better photographs, [cut for legal reasons], and I could even FLAME SOMEONE BETTER THAN SHE'S FLAMED ME!
Which, by the way, really pisses me off. But on my husband's advice, I chose not to give in to the taunts and name-calling, and instead wrote brandon and email telling him that I want to pretend they don't exist and I'd appreciate it if they'd do the same.
I hate Iris more than I've ever hated anyone in my life (and I REALLY hate my mom). And I've given it almost two years for the roommate BULLSHIT to blow over. But my hatred only gets stronger, the more retarded LJ comments I read. I hated her when I lived in the dorms with her, and I hated her when I had to live with her at the Ship. She is the ONLY person that I have willingly and routinely STOLEN from to be malicious... [Cut made for legal reasons. You can read it on her LJ if you wish.]
And I'm not ashamed. Iris MAKES me want to bring HARDSHIP on her. Call me evil, but she brings out the absolute WORST in me. I could go on forever about how I feel she's wronged and angered me, but I won't. Not here at least.
So if anyone wants to not be my friend anymore because of this, please say so here and now. I want it to be CLEAR that I DON'T want to share ANY of my friends with that douchebag couple. I may be a bitch, but I've chosen my side. The line in the sand has been drawn.
This particular line stands out for me:
"I want it to be CLEAR that I DON'T want to share ANY of my friends with that douchebag couple."
I want to get into the ramifications of such a demand for a bit. First of all, there's the obvious divisive nature of it, turning it into an us vs. them conflict. More importantly, it puts any and all who might wish to be friends with both parties in an extremely uncomfortable position. If a person still wishes to be a friend of her's, they must denounce us.
I'll quote from a conversation I had with Oz earlier this evening on the subject:
Me: To put individuals on either side of this situation is extremely hurtful to all involved, and I fear the consequences for what friendships Iris and I may have formed with others.
...
Oz: The House's official stance has already been made clear. [a bit of clarification: House Geek is a local group of gamers in Fairbanks, made up of multiple social groups coming together to play video games]
Oz: Specifically, "can it." This sort of elementary-school tauntery and line-drawing will not be tolerated at House events, on House boards, etc.
Me: Well, I do appreciate the support that you have given. It's just not terribly evident. Across-the-board, there seems little willingness to partake in any sort of direct engagement. The reasons are different for each, I'm sure, but the impression I receive is the fear of losing Lissy's friendship has put a stranglehold on any criticism of her or her actions.
Me: The danger this leads to is that Lissy can now feel justified in such manipulation.
...
Me: In my eyes, she's proven she is not capable of simply letting go of this, so simply saying "stuff it" is insufficient.
...
Oz: I count Lissy and Brian among my friends, as I do yourself and Iris.
Oz: Mutual exclusivity can go fuck itself, along with any 'lines.'
My friends are important to me. I value them greatly and try to support and care for them in whatever ways I can. Now I ask for that support in return. If you are my friend, stick up for me. If you are my friend, denounce manipulation. If you are my friend, call bullshit when you hear it. Let it be known that this sort of action is not acceptable, that you will not be used for petty rivalry, that you will stand by your friends. I am not and will never ask you to denounce the person, but I need my friends, my true friends to denounce the action.
We often speak of Justice, usually in jest, but it is a cause I know many of you to believe in. This is injustice on the most fundamental human level possible. I urge my friends to do what is right.
Thank you all.
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koyetay) wrote,
